Thursday, June 24, 2010

I am a Xenophobe...

...have been my whole life. Flashbacks to my childhood confirm the diagnosis.
As a kid, I never liked loud noises. Birthday parties were a nightmare for me when the host parent would announce that we were going to have a balloon popping race. Dread would set in. I hated the surprise of a loud, obnoxious noise that would startle me.
The 4th of July was another stressful time for me as a kid. Fireworks, parade gun shooting, parade canon, etc. I hated them all. I remember getting so paranoid an anxious at the parade before the canon would come. It was so bad that I hid in the Port-a-Potty, or under my dad's chair. Sad right?
Today I even think of the worst case scenario in most situations that I am in. I always look for what is unsafe about the activity before I even think of enjoying it. 
Last night I went shooting with Michael. I made him give up his new, high quality pair of shooting earmuffs that he has never used so that the loud noises wouldn't bother me. I wore earplugs first, and then the muffs...and when the shotgun came out, I got into the car...still with the muffs and plugs in.
To this day I won't go to a haunted house simply because I have learned not to cause myself undue stress and anxiety. Yes, I am a bum during the Halloween season, but I just don't see the benefit of paying for someone to startle me to the point of terror and possibly wetting myself.
I asked myself if maybe it was just a fear of loud noises, but really, my fear lies in the unknown. I like having a set plan, I like being safe, I like knowing what to expect. I like things to work out how I plan them. It's too bad that life isn't like that...especially once you get a Rawle boy.
Last night, my sister-in-law Corinne was kind enough to sit in the car with me while the boys were shooting the shotgun. I felt like a tool asking her, seeing as she wasn't really afraid of the loud noise like I was, but she went with me. While sitting in the car, I watched as her husband and my husband shot that gun with huge smiles on their faces. They didn't have a care in the world. Thinking back on being a witness to what I thought then was silliness edging on stupidity makes me realize that had I not experienced those noises, and the guns themselves, I would still be fearing them. Michael has proper gun etiquette, he wouldn't do anything stupid, so why did I need to fear the noise and the weapon so much? I know why. I watch too many crime scene dramas. I need a break.
Back to marrying one of those Rawle boys. Every "dangerous" thing that I have been a part of has been with Michael. I have even been in a few crashes since knowing him...four-wheeler, motorcycle, long board, etc. But I never would have experienced the joy that all of those things brought had I not tried them. I am still here today though, and it is because Michael is careful, not stupid, and looks after himself and me in every situation.
He is the cure to my xenophobia...I just hope he doesn't make me try rock climbing, hang gliding, skiing, snowboarding, sky diving, sailing, horseback riding, downhill mountain biking and anything else that could potentially be dangerous.

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